Here is a situation which becomes more and more common in this globalized world:
Eight months ago, Saori began her four month student exchange program in North America. One guy in a school club asked her out. They went for several dates and decided to get more serious.
Still in North America, Saori was excited to tell her parents about her relationship. Her mother’s first reaction was “Do not fraternize with those foreign boys”. Her mother was worried because the values and ideals about relationships in their two cultures are different, and sometimes disagree. Her dad did not want to disappoint her; he said “Just hang out with him, do not go further. I do not want to have a son in law who is a foreigner. Find a man who comes from our country.”
Saori was so frustrated because her parents did not care to know about her boyfriend’s personality. They wanted her to end the relationship immediately just because he is a “foreigner”. Saori thought that her parents should be more open minded.
Her parents thought that they would lose their daughter if she is serious and decides to marry the guy. By conservative Asian tradition, normally a girl would have to live with her husband's family. Saori attends a university which is far away from her hometown. Her parents want her to move back to live with them after she graduates. It is scary for the parents to think of the scenario where they have to live alone in their senior years when their daughter is on another continent. By no means would her parents let it happen.
Both sides were angry, stubborn and frustrated; they would argue about the relationship whenever it was mentioned.
How could they reach an agreement?
Hi Van!
ReplyDeleteHmm regarding your post, I'm sure this situation comes up quite often in more conservative countries where much more emphasis is placed on traditions. However, I believe that there is a solution to every problem.
First and foremost, Saori's parents have to listen to what she has to say about this guy and her feelings towards this relationship before jumping the gun and rejecting it straight away. By doing so they are not only being unfair to Saori, but also denying their daughter of the chance to a possible happy and long-lasting relationship. Saori should also sit down and talk to her parents about her opinions and also keep an open mind about what her parents have to say on their part.
Secondly, it is important to have understanding from all parties involved. Saori, her parents and that guy. Saori's parents should not be so narrow minded as to reject without even getting to know more about the guy. As such, I suggest that Saori could bring him along to dinner with her parents sometime. This serves as an opportunity to not only get to know her boyfriend better, it is also a chance for them to find out and understand some of the plans he might have for Saori and himself. It is also important for Saori's boyfriend to find out some of her parents' views about their relationship.
With that, they could probably work out a solution from there. Distance is no longer a major problem since there are high technology communication mediums such as MSN and webcams. Yes it is tradition that Saori has to follow her husband after marriage, but who knows? Her boyfriend might love her so much to the extent that he would be willing to move out of North America and settle for some place closer to Saori's parents.
All these unknowns would be kept unknown if Saori continues to frustrate herself with her parents and if her parents do not properly convey their worries in a more acceptable manner.
For that I believe that honesty and the willingness to give and take, is the key to resolving such a sticky situation.
Cheers!
Sherlynn
This is an interesting scenario, Van, and it's the kind of familial conflict that is becoming more typical in our world today.
ReplyDeleteI just wonder why you use two different names for your main character? I see the Japanese name Saori in some places and the more "global" name Amy in others? Also, you might have made it clearer. is Saori back in her home country or is she now in North America? You also mention "tradition," but which is that? Making this scenario more specific would have given it even more feasibility.
A few changes would make this conflict description more effective. I do see that you've inspired good feedback from Sherlynn. It will be interesting to see what others think.
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ReplyDeleteHi Van,
ReplyDeleteI must say I have heard of my friends having relationships during exchanges before but I have never heard of them having hardships due to objections by parents.
In this case, I do not think that Saori was given any chance to explain her situation to her parents. Her parents clearly did not communicated with her, it was only one way because they 'ordered' her not to go deeper into the relationship. Both Saori and her boyfriend did not have a chance to prove themselves in front of her parents.
But, I do not know how long have they been together because you did not state the duration of her exchange program. So, if they were only together for a short period, then there's no need to get so disappointed, rite? The two of them are still studying and there are at least a few more years to go so they should just see how it goes because long distance relationship is not easy. Furthermore, if they are still together after graduation, then it would be easier to tell Saori's parents about their relationship. Most parents do not agree in the beginning because they are not sure if their kids are serious.
I am sure that Saori's parents would give in if Saori and her boyfriend really do love each other and could persevere for a few more years.
That would be their non verbal communication to Saori's parents.
I believe that the protagonist has every right to feel frustrated with her parents. It seems like her parents made quick opinions on the guy based on his nationality. More importantly though, is whether Saori made any attempt to convince her parents that the guy is actually a very good person.
ReplyDeleteAs for moving in with him after marriage, I have friends who got married, but their husbands came to singapore to settle down here. People will have pre-conceived opinions when it comes to races and nationality and their culture or practices.It's up to Saori to change her parents' mindset, and it certainly won't be that easy to convince her parents. It'll take lots of work!
I do think Saori's parents are being unfair. Like you said, they didn't even try to know the guy before judging him.
ReplyDeleteIf her relationship with her boyfriend is serious, she should try communicating this to her parents. Instead of just calling her parents to talk to them, I think she should ask her boyfriend to visit her parents. What better way is there to show his sincerity than to go all the way to a different continent to meet the parents of the girl he loves? Apart from showing his sincerity, he would also get the chance to let Saori's parents get to know him. That way, hopefully, they'll be able to see him as a person instead of focusing on his race. Besides that, customs can be learned, right? Saori can teach him about her culture. If her boyfriend can show a good understanding of her culture's customs and values to her family, surely they wouldn't be able to object to the fact that he comes from a different culture. Besides, a visit will also show that he isn't unwilling to come to see them. I think that will help ease Saori's parents' worry that they might not get to see her if she gets married.
Parents want their children to be happy. I think that, if they realise how much this relationship means to their daughter, Saori's parents will eventually be able to accept it.
Hi Sister,
ReplyDeleteThe parents in this situation are not the exception in some conservative countries, such as Vietnam. I believe that the refusion to have a foreign son in law is originated from the love of the parents towards your friend.
As everyone has mentioned about the solution to this problem. Firstly, the friend should talk to her parents, secondly should bring the boyfriend home, so that people can understand each other and the barrier/ first thinking of a foreign son in law could be changed.
But personally, what if the parents could not be persuaded by the friend? As such, they threat to give her up or become depressed/ commit to suicide (Some serious case like that actually happened in some countryside areas.)
In this nich serious case, I think that your friend has to consider and balance her relationship so that life should be better for her and for her parents as well.
Thanks for your interesting post. Waiting for your next post. :)